Then when I stopped at Starbucks for my comfort chai, I saw the new Elvis Costello CD, Secret, Profane and Sugarcane, with artwork that features a large crow in the middle surrounded by circles containing cryptic looking objects. I'm curious about it so I'll put in on hold at work.
When I got to work and was creating order from chaos in the children's department, a book literally popped from the shelf right in front of me and landed on the floor.
I plunked my fat butt on the floor and read Hope Is An Open Heart. It is a beautiful book and even though it's purpose is to bring comfort to Katrina and 9/11 survivors it was just what I needed to read at the moment. My heart is closed and crabbed. I am full of anger and hurt and feel as though I'll never recover, but that's just so much bs. I know that eventually I'll survive this blow down and find my balance again. I won't give up. I know what I want and I'll try again. All I have to do is weather this pain now and allow life to unfold as it will. The grieving process is a long and arduous one, but I'm a survivor, a loner. Even though I long for him, for his companionship, I definitely do not want it out of pity or if it's given begrudgingly. Silence speaks volumes.
3 comments:
I hurt FOR you. This is when it would be nice to have a "fast forward" button just to get through the hard times. Hang in there; we're on your side.
Thank you. So many times I've felt that there's no one paying any attention at all, which is actually sort of freeing when you blog. You know what I mean.
I know how you feel but hang in there. and take the comfort wherever you find it.
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