Well, I knew it was coming. He's gone, and yes, I'm painfully aware that's the 2nd time this year I've typed that phrase. It's pretty deliberate too, since I've had more than one glass of wine, and there's been considerable back spacing involved. I've always known that  I  wasn't good enough to hold J's attention forever, plus there's our age to complicate things. I found this msg. that I sent J in 2009;

As long as I know that you want to talk to me, it's OK. As long as you greet me with a smile, as long as you reach out to touch me, as long as you're glad to be with me, it's OK. I admit that I need those reassurances and I hope I give them to you too. I love you Jay.  Even when you're frustrated and grouchy, I still love you. You fill my eyes and my heart.

It's still true. The serpent in the garden is money of course, not having enough of it. J's told me that unless I'm able to allow him to live here for $ a month room and board, meaning I pay the mortgage (always have)  all utilities, and the groceries, he's gone. He even told me that I was immoral for not helping my partner and only concerned with money. Since I've already been carrying him for the last year by $ a month  for  his half of the expenses (utilities and groceries)   and since what he's asking me to do would put me in the position of being unable to pay my own bills, I told him no. He didn't like that. He's gone. He wants to leave all his stuff here until he's able to come with a truck. He told me that I was out of his mind for good, and said FU quite a few times. This is the worst fight we've ever had, almost the only fight we've ever had. It wasn't even a good fight. He just loomed over me and lectured while I kept asking him to sit down and talk.  The neighbors really got an earful. To be fair he didn't come empty handed. His offer was to do all the housework and yard work. I almost asked him to whose standards the housework would be done, but I wanted to keep my face. Here's the problem, if I could afford to pay for a landscaper and a housekeeper, I would have done it years ago! I can't afford it.. He somehow thinks he has me over a barrel, that I can't survive without him. I admit that it's going to be tough and sad and lonely and  my world will shrink down entirely to work and home and garden. In hindsight J is remembering that he's done most of the landscaping work himself, which is certainly true. At the time he said he did the work for enjoyment, but apparently he's also been tabulating a bill.  J has done wonderful things for me and for what I was offering to be our home, in fact he almost pressured me to make more improvements than I could keep up with money-wise.  Despite the few flaws  in our relationship, I still love J with all my heart. The door is open always and he's welcome to come home, but I can't carry him financially. If I had the money to allow him to stop working at either job, both jobs, whatever,  right now,  I 'd do it in a heartbeat. Now I know why people rob banks. If I could right now shower the debt=money  (if you've seen Zeitgeist you know what I'm talking about) on his head I would do it. I love him and I'm not capable of helping him, the most perfect companion  I've ever found.