Now I know what it was like for the first settlers, living off the land and what they could produce. My food options right now include tomatoes, potatoes, kale, sweet peas, and beans; and I'm becoming heartily sick of eating at all. I woke up from a night of gruesome bloody nightmares, bawled my eyes shut and left myself 15 min. to get ready for work. It's going to be a wonderful day.

 Some of the thoughts about the end of our 5 year relationship are really torturing me.  I'd like to send J a word association test  so I could better understand what happened to us, but I know he wouldn't even respond. It would go something like this...

Having had time to reflect on the end of our relationship, circle the words that best describe your current state of being;

relieved
remorseful
free
tortured
trapped
ambivalent
what relationship?
lonely
busy
sad
happy
angry
triumphant
optimistic
peaceful
calm
humbled
rejuvenated
anguished
satisfied
distrustful
discouraged
disconnected
grief
dejected
giddy
jubilant


At first  I fantasized that J regretted his actions, but couldn't lose face by asking to come back; but I can't delude myself any longer. He has no desire to come back, and I'm not sure I could forgive him if he did. If I had a guess as to which words he'd choose from this list,  I'd say it was calm, relief, and optimism. He's starting his life all over again, and has a clean unblemished slate  to write his new life on. I on the other hand am left to see all the remnants of him every day, all the damn holes he put in my plaster walls, the trees we planted, the raised bed garden we built together, etc, etc...